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It’s so strange to think about. That some things just fall from the sky right into your lap, seemingly out of nowhere, with no context, no set-up, no preparation—like it just happens.

I ask myself at times, why now? Why not before? Why does it seem like at that particular moment in time, something inside me switched on—a switch that told me that all I wanted was you, and all that made me happy was if you were happy. Although that’s not the whole truth… Sometimes I think part of it was dormant inside my heart. I would look at you as sort of an acquaintance, but not entirely so, because I felt some sort of strange underlying connection with you. Like I didn’t really know you, we weren’t close, but something about you made me feel like I did know you—a lot. In a weird way, I guess you could say you were an exception to a lot of things in my life. You annoyed me like hell so many times when we were younger, but I never wanted to dislike you. Sure, you pissed me off a lot, but it never made me hate you. We weren’t close, but we were because of the people we knew. I felt like I could talk to you like a close friend because that’s how comfortable it was for me. Even as we weren’t really good friends to begin with, you seemed to fade away somewhere—to drift off. But you were never really gone. In the background, distantly, but not obsolete…

And then here we are. Here I am, and here you are with me. Once an almost transparent figure in the distance, but now the most real thing I’ve ever come to know. And for some reason, now. At times I wished that we had been close earlier, because now I know so much about you that I wish I had known it all before because I adore you so much. But maybe that wasn’t the right time. If I believed in pre-destination, then maybe the universe was just preparing us for each other, in a weird way. Maybe the conditions had to be just right. Maybe we had to learn and grow and hurt and heal and cry and laugh more so in those few years to understand ourselves better. And maybe if we hadn’t gone through that, we couldn’t get to here.. Maybe if we hadn’t learned what we learned, we might not be able to be together right now. We were paths running parallel, maybe. Getting closer and closer till they crossed. And so everything that had been was for this time right now… Then that would mean that everything would have had to have fallen perfectly into the place that it had to be so that we could be with each other now.

…I think it’s sort of beautiful—if you believe in that kind of stuff.

my dad always tells us, “when I met your mom, all of the bad things stopped happening to me. when we got together, only good fortune came to me and it was like all my bad luck went away.”

he always tells us kids that “you know you’re with the right one when they make you a better person.” he describes my mom as his better half. he says he’s lucky to have her.

they’ve known each other since they were middle school kids. my parents are highschool sweethearts. been together since junior year. went to prom together.
idk how it’s even real it’s all so idealistic they just seem so impossible but i mean it’s been workin alright so far haha.

this is fucking bullshit
im so fucking mad my head hurts fuck everyone

then i remember i can’t swim

that’s probably a bad thing.
like if someone sweet-talks me, they just have me, really. seriously i’m such a fool for that stuff

possessive tendencies.
jealousy complex.

oops.

i’m sorry that i have so many problems.
i’m sorry that i can’t do anything right.
i’m sorry that i always make you unhappy.
i’m sorry that there are so many things wrong with me.

i’m just…. sorry. that i have to be this way. and that you have to deal with it.

have cotton candy, melty-feeling, cloudy thoughts crowding up my mind

the sweetest ringing in my ears; the buzz of the most melodic, harmonious pair of invisble bees circling my head

the hint of a smile always tugging at the corners of my mouth, waiting. a giggle sitting in the middle of my throat, ready to spring up whenever

that sickly-sweet feeling in my stomach, like an artificial strawberry flavored, manufactured, mass-produced candy that’s made from the most realeast, most organic-est, naturally grown oregon strawberries ever, and taste just as sweet

no matter what. and i fucking swear it’s n o m a t t e r w h a t when I say it.

always when I say, ALWAYS.

‘always’ and ‘whenever’ and ‘no matter’ what because it’s you.